As promised in my last post, here is a pregnancy update.
TRIGGER WARNING: talking about pregnancy loss and lots of emotional writing.
I’ve been going to bed around 8pm every night now that hubby is on a morning shift again, it’s been really nice because I can usually get up around 6am or 7 and have some quiet time before the day starts. I’ve really been enjoying it. So, the other night I went to sleep around 8pm again and as usually woke up a few hours later because I needed to pee (#pregnancybladder) except, unlike normal nights, I suddenly realized my pajama pants were wet and for a split second I was afraid I had wet the bed. I was ridiculously confused and stumbled sleepily to the bathroom where I discovered that it wasn’t urine but blood that was soaking my pants. There was so much of it…I started panicking fearing the worst. There’s no way that much blood could be normal while pregnant. Everyone was asleep at this point and I didn’t know what to do. My husband has been having a hard time sleeping the last few nights so the fact that he was sleeping peacefully made me not want to wake him, but I didn’t want to face this alone as I really was beginning to think I was losing the baby.
I fought back tears and cleaned myself up, pleading to God over and over again in my mind and out loud to protect this baby and to let me carry to term. An image I had almost forgotten popped into my head…the memory of my very first loss when I was 20, the barely formed baby at 6 weeks that I held in my hand for a few agonizing moments while I told myself I wasn’t seeing what I knew I was seeing. I was in denial for a few hours before I finally let myself believe what had happened. It had taken me years to get that out of my head, to heal up that part of my heart and to only think of my first lost child as playing happily in Heaven with Jesus and their younger sibling I lost years later. All I could think of was how much I didn’t want to see this child now 12 weeks developed in my hand like their oldest sibling. My heart broke and I felt sick to my stomach thinking of how I would break if I ever saw that and how on earth would I explain to my living son that there wouldn’t be a baby anymore. I pushed all these emotions down, finished cleaning myself up, put on one of my cloth menstruation pads (that I thought I wouldn’t need for quite awhile now), changed and began crawling back into bed. That was when I saw that there was a few drops of blood on the floor beside the bed where I had stepped when I had woken up. I cleaned the floor and couldn’t handle it anymore, I began sobbing.
Crawling into bed I buried my face into the pillow trying to calm myself down and say everything would be fine but I was doubting that anything could be fine, how could it? there was just so much blood and now I could feel little pinching cramps in my lower stomach and I was just terrified.
My husband woke up and instantly I was wrapped in his warm arms and he whispered to me, asking me what was wrong. It took me a long few moments to calm down enough to croak out what was happening. We laid there for so long, me sobbing, him trying to comfort me, both of us praying desperately.
Eventually I managed to stop sobbing, I tried to look stuff up on google to get some hope but gave up after a few minutes because I felt sick just thinking of what could be happening. We resolved to call the clinic in the morning and my husband asked if I wanted him to stay home from work in the morning. I told him I would wait til morning to decide that and we both tried to get more sleep. Which consisted of me watching episodes of shows on my phone and dozing for just a couple hour increments. I kept needing to pee every couple hours and each time I could tell I was still bleeding, but not enough to fill a pad and just enough to make me worry. I still had a sliver of hope, but I didn’t want to give myself false hope.
In the morning, I was still bleeding a little but I told my husband he should go to work and he promised to keep the ringer on his cell phone on in case I needed to call him and he could leave work whenever. He let his boss know what was going on and that he may need to leave at any minute so we had a few bases covered.
It took me longer than it should have to get up the courage to call the clinic. I had a sliver of hope and until I was told otherwise I wanted to cling to it and I was so afraid of going for an ultrasound and not hearing that sweet heart beat and then bursting into tears in front of everyone.
Thankfully my parents were both home and when I told them what was happening and called the clinic my dad offered to watch the nearly-five-year-old and my mom drove me for my check up. I was shaking and trying so hard not to panic.
We got there and had the exam and praise God, everything was fine.
The first good news was that my cervix was closed.
The second was that baby’s heart rate was good.
The third was that we actually saw baby wiggling around on the ultrasound monitor. It made my heart so happy to see the baby just happily stretching and wiggling around. I wished at that moment I would have been capturing a video so my husband and son could see, but I nearly cried from the relief and happiness I felt.
My doctor pointed out a pocket of blood near the top of the placenta and explained that this was the culprit and that I very well may experience more bleeding because of it but not to worry about it. He did say that I’m on vaginal rest/ bed rest until my 20 week ultrasound where we can see how the placenta is doing. My Mother had experienced something similar with one of my older sisters and had been put on bed rest for Placenta Previa. Thankfully the placenta had moved at the last minute and she had been able to have a vaginal delivery but my doctor said it was too early to determine if I’ll have that issue or not, because placentas do tend to migrate so until then he said just to take it really easy and come in at our regularly scheduled appointment in a few weeks unless I wanted to come in a little sooner just for ease of mind.
I have no words to describe just how relieved I felt after that check up. I know there’s still some risk involved in this kind of thing, but my doctor didn’t seem very worried so that gave me more peace. Apparently this happened with his wife during one of her pregnancies as well and everything was perfectly fine. It’s more common than I had ever known actually, and I had never even heard of it. My doctor didn’t give me a label for it, but I’m guessing it is a condition I found called subchorionic hematoma, or at least, very similar to it. Early on I had some light spotting and one of my first ultrasounds the doctor had seen a small pocket of blood at the top of my cervix so it seems to be a consistent thing in this pregnancy that basically just means I have to take it easy and I’ll experience more bleeding than I did with my son.
I’m so very thankful that it wasn’t anything worse than this, and to be quite honest even if I end up high risk, or on bed rest the duration of my pregnancy or even if I develop issues and need a c-section (really praying against that because the idea terrifies me) as long as my baby is healthy then that’s all that matters to me.
As parents we do what we have to for our children and in my opinion, that starts from conception. A child will radically change your life from day one in more ways than you will ever know, and it is worth every moment.
So for now, I’m trying hard to let my body rest, which isn’t easy. I’m so used to being up and doing as much as I can around the house so needing to sit a lot more is going to be tough. This morning while I was cooking breakfast I took a chair into the kitchen so I could sit and work on a project while I cooked. I plan on still doing what I can, I’ll just have to be creative about it.
On the plus side as my husband told me (excitedly) this gives me plenty of excuse to sit and write my books. He is constantly wanting the sequel to my novella ‘Hunting Death’, so I’ll definitely be focusing on that project a lot more once my coloring book is finished and released.
Anyway, that’s about it for now. Thank you for any and all prayers and encouragement for those of you who have already heard and have been praying for us. We love you all.