I apologize in advance for this post because I have a feeling it’s going to be a little rambley.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflection this morning. By some miracle I managed to wake up at 8am feeling more rested than I have been most mornings. I’m fighting a sinus cold right now so sleep isn’t that easy, add to that my husband’s swing shift work schedule that has him coming home at 4am and you get a perfect recipe for mornings beginning at 11am. As a morning loving individual, late mornings are the bane of my existence.
I’m very thankful my husband has such a good job, doing something he very much enjoys, but the schedule he’s on is rough. Thankfully, he should be moving to a morning shift very soon and we are both excited to be morning people again.
Anyway, back to my reflection…
Sitting here, by the fire, watching the sunrise while I drink my tea I began thinking about all the changes that have happened in my life this past year. Today I’ve been married for three months and pregnant for two. This month last year I wasn’t even sure if I would ever meet a Christian guy I liked, let alone be married by the same time the next year. I thought at best, I might meet someone and in a few years be married. I never would have expected that God would bring someone so amazing into my life and that everything would just click into place as quickly as it did.
I remember writing something a couple years ago about how I didn’t want some knight to come swooping in to save me from singleness, that instead I wanted a partner, someone who would take the time to know me, to put the effort into understanding who I am and how I work. Someone who would get to know all my flaws, my insecurities and love me through them. Someone to inspire growth, to point me to Jesus when I was stressed or afraid. A leader, a partner, a best friend. I didn’t need showy, grand sweeping gestures of love (not that those are bad) I wanted to live life with someone who felt safe. Someone who felt like home.
I didn’t even know if that existed ever, anywhere. You hear people constantly complain about marriage and be so negative about their spouses that you start to wonder if it’s even possible to be truly happy while married and if it’s so miserable than why even bother? Especially added to the fact that I absolutely never want to get divorced again.
Any guys who had expressed interest in me while I was single seemed to not be paying attention to me, to who I was, they were filling in who they wanted me to be and expecting me to fit the role. Mostly they were people I had met online, through Facebook groups for various things. It got so exhausting that I just tried to not add any guys who tried to “be friends” and I flat out said multiple times that I was resolved to just stay single forever. I actually meant it too, because so far the guys who were interested in me were arrogant, possessive, and after all the wrong things.
I remember, vividly, one day probably in either late December 2018 or possibly in January 2019 that I had this intense aching in my heart for a Godly relationship. I wanted to find that peaceful, safe, uplifting love that I hoped was out there. I wanted more kids. I couldn’t escape those feelings, no matter how much I tried to keep them buried and silenced. I remember crying and praying. I asked God to either take my desire for love away or to bring me the right man. A wave of peace had rushed over me and I left it at that. I didn’t even think on it much after that even, I knew that one way or another my prayer would be answered.
And one morning, just a few months later, I got this message from my dad:
It took me a bit, but I finally sent him a friends request and he accepted faster than I expected. I waited for him to message me first though, because I was too nervous to message him. We chatted back and forth for a bit, and eventually he asked me out for coffee on his weekend. We met at 9am at a local coffee shop (these were the early days where he was still on a morning shift and we both were morning people. I miss it desperately *cries dramatically*)
I was SO nervous. I had no idea what to do or how to act or what to say, I was also very careful with my excitement. I knew I was going to tell him my whole history because that’s just how I am, I lay it all out on the table right there so there’s no surprises. He obviously knew I had been divorced and had a child, but there was a part of me that was sure he would hear my story and decide it wasn’t a good fit, because I still believed the lie that I was damaged goods, that a man who was focused on God wouldn’t want me because of my past.
I was really surprised that after we spoke for quite awhile and had coffee he asked if I wanted to have lunch with him and asked me where a good place was. We drove separately just a few minutes down the road to a diner and had lunch together. He asked if I minded if he prayed over the food and that instantly impressed me, that was a first for me and he won major brownie points.
I finally got up the nerve to tell him about my divorces and half expected that to be it, but he listened empathetically and never passed judgement. We talked for a few hours and eventually he had to head back to help a friend with something but he told me he really enjoyed talking with me and looked forward to seeing me again.
We made plans over messenger to go hiking the next weekend and then a little later he messaged me and wanted to know if I wanted to just go hiking the next day instead of waiting for a week so I agreed and we met up the next day for a hike and then he came over to hang out at my house. I’m pretty sure that day was when he asked me if he could have my cell phone number, since we had only been talking over facebook messenger.
It’s fun thinking about the beginning, all the nervousness and the uncertainty, the butterflies and all the firsts we got to experience together. We still have plenty more of those that we can look forward to but I really truly feel so blessed with this wonderful man in my life.
I have found exactly what I was looking for, even though I had given up on looking. The safe, caring, gentle, methodical love that I never knew I needed when I was younger, the things I hadn’t known I should be waiting on. There’s passion and fire in there too, but the things that build the foundation of that are deeper than passion. Its the kind of love that’s dedicated to growing and maturing, the content love that lets you know that even if there are some differences, or stress, or worries, that you can rely on this love through anything. A solid, unwavering love. I don’t know how it’s possible but even though this is a young love, it feels like it’s been there forever. I have never identified so much with the verse Song of Solomon 3:4 as much as I do now: “..I have found the one whom my soul loves..”
It’s pretty incredible what God can change in a year, even in just a matter of moments.
I keep wondering when the “honeymoon phase” will pass, but does that even exist? if you’re dedicated to loving each other and are best friends, I don’t know if that ever fades away. I guess you’ll have to ask me again in 14 years.
Other aspects of my self reflection have been this house. I’ve lived in this house for the better part of 21 years. There were only a few years I lived in a different house and then had to come back. There was a part of me that wondered if I ever would end up leaving this house or just live here the rest of my life, raising my son and helping my parents. But with getting married, that has changed as well. We have been saving money and looking at places and have finally found one. Our offer was accepted just the other day and we have an inspection on Friday! it’s all very exciting, we love the place and it’s closer to work, church and there are a lot of hiking trails nearby. Fingers crossed that the inspection goes well and everything goes smoothly.
I still feel like I’m in a dream, a very long dream that I never want to wake up from. Married, expecting our second child and in the process of buying a house. Life is pretty great and I’m so thankful for all the blessings God has showered us with this past year.